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Loss of a Father

Only A Photograph

By Eric Marcus, the author of Why Suicide? Questions & Answers About Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and Coping With the Suicide of Someone You Know. Please visit him at www.whysuicidebook.com. He blogs at www.whysuicideblog.com. And follow him on Twitter @whysuicide.

It’s just a photograph, I tell myself, as I recover from the unexpected shock of seeing my long-dead father stare back at me from my computer screen. The misleading subject line of the email from Bob, my dad’s once-young protégé, read:  “Attached is your father’s portrait.” 

My dad painted and, after my parents separated in 1968, my mom offloaded his two dozen or so paintings to a couple of his close friends (I managed to rescue a few, arguing that the ones my dad painted of my brother and me belonged to us and weren’t hers to give away). So I thought that Bob, who had recently called to ask if I wanted one of the paintings Mom had given him—a portrait of a yogi—was sending a photo of the painting so I could decide if I wanted it. Instead, what he sent was a black and white portrait of my father that he shot not long before Dad overdosed and died in December 1970. My father was forty-four. I was twelve. 

Most of how I remember my dad is from photographs when he was in his twenties and thirties, when he and Mom were newlyweds and then later the parents of young children. There are very few photos of my dad from later in his troubled life, and nothing like the intense—and intensely sad—image on my computer. If you didn’t know that my dad suffered from depression and killed himself, you might think that he simply looked thoughtful and contemplative, which he was. But knowing what I know about his death—knowing what I can never forget as much as I would like to forget—I see sadness and heartbreak. His sadness. My heartbreak.

I’ve ticked off the passing years since my dad’s death with something approaching ritual every December 16, although since I marked my own forty-fourth birthday, I no longer worry that I’ll wind up killing myself too—which I’ve learned is something that children of a parent who takes his or her life often fear. And the pain of Dad’s suicide has long since faded from crushing and persistent to a simple (simple!) occasional ache. It does indeed get better with time, a long time.

But that photograph makes me more than ache. I see myself in that face, a face that I can see in my own, and Dad looks as sad as I feel when I think of him and what I lost. He’s a man I hardly knew, who died eight years shy of the age I am now, yet his absence still has the power to take my breath away and bring tears to my eyes when I look into his eyes.

Comments

07/27/2016 at 5:16 AM
mark oliver
hi my name is mark im 16 my dad killed him self this name was roland he had adhd my dad hanged him self when i was 18 mouths old he died on the 21.8.2001 i think to this day how much i wonted to no him he had good life but now its come to the point that i have a baby on the way but i just keep thinking about that i see y he did it my gf ani she makings me feel like i want to cry all the time but now i see that he did it to get away form every think some times in life i just could get away but i love my dad so much i just wish he could be here to meet my boy :(
06/19/2016 at 11:03 AM
Benjamin
I have felt nothing but anger and utter disdain for my father's selfish act. We were never really all that close but I did care for him. He stopped by the day before he shot himself to see his three granddaughters. He didn't appear any different than he had all the other days before. The next day I had to explain (not in full detail) about how my daughters grandfather was not going to be around any more. Then I had to notify the rest of my family. I had to tell the story too many times and when it came to the funeral, I just felt indifferent. I know this can't be how someone should feel but I still view his act as a betrayal to his family and friends.
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