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Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.

Comments

04/12/2018 at 3:46 AM
Brenda Gallegos
I lost my daughter last night. I can’t breathe. I don’t think I can survive this.
04/07/2018 at 2:22 AM
Barbara Clark
My daughter died a few days ago from depression. I don't want to be specific because I never want anyone to use the information to duplicate it.

I don't know the exact day and time because she was in her car but I think it was Monday 5 days ago. There was no note, just a journal that gave a few clues.

I had a private viewing today, the two of us alone in a room where I could talk myself out.

I told her how much I loved her, talked about all the plans we had - trips we wouldn't take and movies we wouldn't watch together. She wasn't supposed to go first. We had some inside jokes and holiday traditions I will never get to do again. I told her how sorry I was for everything I had ever done wrong.

I was 20 when she was born and I'm 43 now - I don't know how to be me without her. I don't know how to get through this grief and find meaning in a life without her.
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