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Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.

Comments

05/01/2018 at 7:40 PM
Glenda Wagner
Thanksgiving day of 2015, my 21-year-old daughter, my second oldest child, and six months away from her college graduation committed suicide in her dorm room. Although I live, I am dead inside. I am riddled with grief, sadness, and a loneliness that wears on me that I'm in therapy several times a month since her death. I can't live right now as everything makes my thoughts go wild to what happened to her. She was beautiful. A girl who loved animals more than people kindly. A great big heart that called her one of her sisters crying horribly because they were slaughtering the elephants in Africa. I feel crazy right now. I have ok days then I default deeper into my pain. I'm sorry but my void is so deep that I'm numb to all things. I don't want to do anything anymore. I've fallen out of sorts in my marriage. I'm so angry, I'm so lost...I burst into sobbing then anger, then despair in a cycle. My family is fractured as she was every meaningful presence to us. I visit her grave periodically as the need to be next to her in any way overcomes me. I am not anyone but I and my way of acceptance for my lost are stale in my mouth. I speak the words suicide which is very different from accidental death.
04/17/2018 at 10:14 AM
Nancy Long
I lost my 16 year old daughter on Feb 28, 2018. She was went to a park nearby the residence she lived, and strangled herself on the playground equipment. It happened around 9pm, we got the call she was missing from her residence just after 10pm, and we searched the area around her residence until after 3am. The next morning the police came to my home to tell me they had found her dead in that playground around 6 am. She was there all night, dead and alone. That haunts me still, and it bothers me so much that she died alone, I never got to say goodbye, or hug her. I miss her so much, I ache for her everyday, and I wish everything could go back to before she died. My life will never be the same.
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