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Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.

Comments

06/20/2018 at 10:07 AM
Cindy Wright
Hello, I lost my 40 year old daughter to suicide three months ago. Of course my life is shattered. I take two steps forward thinking OK I can do this and then I fall three steps backward and it's as if it happened yesterday. We were very close. I have all the same questions swimming around in my head as everyone else has stated. I can't begin to understand why. I spoke to her the day before and she was so happy. I know I will never know why. I experience every emotion possible....anger, sadness, love, pain....on and on. At first I couldn't understand how she could leave her brother (they were so close) and family. Now I feel so sorrowful for the despair and pain she was in to do this. I have forgiven her. I dream of her as the beautiful teenager she was in her younger years. We talk in my dreams. Mornings are horrific realizing she is gone. Alone drives in the car are heart wrenching talking and crying to her. I am 63 years old and for the first time in my life I wished time would hurry and fly by so maybe this black cloud that hangs over my head will go away and I can think of my girl and smile. Thanks for this opportunity.
06/14/2018 at 8:06 PM
katia shmanay
Hello Meredith. I needed to read your blog. Im that daughter that wants to commit suicide. I’ve been contemplating this for four years. I’m 21 years old and life is one big pain after the other. I know that this could come off selfish because of the sensitivity on this blog but I just don’t know what to do anymore. My mom doesn’t understand, I don’t know how to get through to her. THIS BLOG is the exact reason why I don’t want to kill myself. I know that it would destroy my mother, it would destroy my sisters potential to live a SUCCESFUL life and I just can’t do that. I’m staying alive just so they could have normal lives. I’ve given up. I’m confused and I’m just destroying myself more and more everyday. Please moms and dads, help me. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. Me and my mom barely even speak anymore, but I just can’t destroy her life like that. I feel like a paper bag just floating in the wind with no course or reason. I’ve been depressed for so long and have caused my family so much heart ache that they don’t even react anymore. It’s a situation I’d never thought I’d ever be in and I just don’t know what to do.
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