Dragonfly
Facebook Twitter

Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.

Comments

02/18/2019 at 8:31 PM
Jean
I lost my daughter to suicide in 2015. She was 37 and suffered from mental illness, she and I were very close. The pain of losing her never goes away. I am so sorry that you lost your child. My heart feels for you.
02/14/2019 at 1:47 PM
Catherine
We lost our precious 14 year old son on January 22. He hung himself in the backyard and we found him. He had been dealing with depression for over 2 years and had been to therapists, etc. He had also cut himself and was destructive of things around the house when his feelings were overwhelming. He had been telling us and counselors at school that he was better and not having suicidal thoughts and was not feeling depressed. He refused to take the depression meds and said he didn't need them. I thought he did and we were two days away from a meeting with the team at school which included his psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, etc. and I was going to address the fact that he was refusing the meds. They could sometimes get in his face and get him to agree to something when we couldn't. But that meeting never happened. He spend the weekend before at a friend's house and they said he was happy and had a good time. He wanted to come home early because he missed his girlfriend. We were going to make him stay but he begged us so we let him come home. He spend MLK day with her and her family at their house and they said he seemed fine and happy. He talked to me when he was on the school bus on the way home and seemed more chatty than usual. He had seemed uncommunicative in the last few months, but I thought it was just puberty and teen angst where you don't want to talk to your mother. He didn't leave a note and we did not see this coming at least right now. I had always been concerned that his depression could lead to something like this, but as I said he seemed on the outside to be doing better. He was so loved, and had so many friends who said he helped them feel better when they were down; and he made everyone laugh. Why couldn't he see how loved he was and how many people wanted to help him? My peace is knowing he is with God and that we will see him again - and that he is no longer in pain.
Leave a Comment
All fields are required
Comment:
Allowed Tags: <b>, <i>, <br>