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Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.

Comments

07/26/2014 at 5:22 AM
Lee
I lost my daughter two months ago now - she was 21. What I am struggling with is she had admitted herself to hospital and was an inpatient on the ward when she hung herself in her hospital room. I didn't even know that was possible and I am really struggling as we are slowly learning that the hospital didn't do any of their procedures that would have kept her safe. She had admitted herself to hospital as she was struggling with the suicide of a friend three weeks earlier. What she didn't know is that that friend had hung himself in his room in the same hospital in the same mental health ward but it's even worse as he was on the High Needs Unit side where you aren't supposed to be alone. My daughter didn't know he had died on the ward so when she admitted herself there it was the one place she felt safe. She got told by other patients the night she admitted herself what had happened to her friend. We know now that she had nightmares all night - got less than 2 hours sleep. The next day she tried to get her cellphone to ring one of us for help but it had been left in the offices of her hospital counsellor and she couldn't get anyone to bring her her phone. She was trying right up to midday to get the phone. Then even though she had told nurse she was in trouble and really suicidal they left her alone and less than 30 minutes later she had hung herself in her room. I don't know how I can recover fromt his - it is like a bad hollywood movie script. I live in a country that you can't sue people and the hospital are lying and covering both the inpatient suicides up. My daughter went to them for help and they killed her.
07/21/2014 at 7:54 AM
Maria
Almost a year ago, my 17 year old daughter took her own life, and I found her lifeless body that morning, as I entered her room asking if she wanted food. I thought it was going to be a normal morning like any other. Life can change in an instant. She also hung herself with lace curtains we picked out together. She was my only daughter. Beautiful, funny and I do not know what I am going to do without her. I miss and think about her every second. Too many of our beautiful children go much too early. Trying to work towards building a better world, even if its a little bit, so that it becomes a place where souls want to beā€¦Sending my love to all the angels.
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