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Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.

Comments

08/25/2018 at 10:05 PM
Meredith Olivas
Katia Shmanay, I am so very sorry I did not read this until today. I hope and pray this finds you well. I hope you have been able to find some peace since you wrote this post. I am not sure what is going on with you and your mom. Have you guys tried counseling? I know that your mom would be so completely devastated if you hurt yourself. Please let me know you are ok. XOXOXO
06/24/2018 at 6:15 AM
Irene Salumets
I lost my 15-old daughter 5 weeks ago, 3 days before she would turn 16... She jumped out from our 7th floor balcony. I never could imagine, she would do anything like this. She was going to graduate her middle school with honor and she was accepted to the best highschool in Estonia. Just a day before she was still inviting friends to her graduation party. She was always joyful and full of energy. In that evening I saw her crying, asked what's wrong, she just answered that nothing worried about, just some argues with her best friend and she will be fine. Hours later when I went to bed she was watching TV, I said good night to her and asked if she was ok? She answered the she is all ok and wished me good night. 3 hours later at 3 am I woke up for some reason and saw my phone blinking. I saw that she had sent me a message, it was a goodby note. As my phone was in silence mode, I didnt hear it, it was sent it just an hour after I went to sleep... I found her body under our balcony... 5 weeks have passed, but the pain inside me is killing me. In her goodby letter she just said, that its better for her that way. She asked me not to cry and that I am a wonderful mother and now she feels good as well... the police investigation is till active, as much we know by now, it was caused by emotional violence by her best friend...we still do not know what she said or did to my daughter, so she decided to take life...I am askind every day why she did this, how I didn't see it was so serious, why didnt't she asked for a help? She had so bright future ahead and she was so much waiting to go to the high school. Could I have done anything to prevent it? How to live further?...Reading the comments here gives me a little hope that one day the sun will shine again, at the moments it seems impossible...
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