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Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.

Comments

11/16/2014 at 10:28 AM
J
I lost my daughter in 2008. She took her life after having had an accident that took the life of her friend. People who lacked the facts of the accident were quick to let their opions be known, many that were painful to her. The state was on the war path because of another high profile accident involving a celebrity's son and wanted to win back public approval after not pressing charges against him, so they charged my daughter with vehicular homicide. They made statements before material facts were reviewed that they were going to seek maximum sentence 14 yrs in prison. For her at 21 years old saw no future and had little confidence in getting charges dropped or lessened. This along with the true grief and pain decided to take her life. She hung herself after having written an apology to those she hurt and asked for thier forgiveness. She was found in her bedroom after our requesting a courtesy check since her mother and I were out of town and had been unable to reach her. I will never forget the call, falling to my knee's begging God for this not to be real. She was my first born, my best friend, greatest daughter you could ask for. We rush home 7 hour drive, praying and crying all the way. The pain is great and will never go away. I talk to her daily and touch her bedroom door every morning and evenining before going to bed. I sneak into her room when my wife and younger daughter are not home just so I can smell her pillow and be close to her. I tell people my heart needs to grow to help make the hole that's been left seems smaller. I push myself daily and do pretty good most days. Now that is about to charge. I'am having to close my business, spent my reserves/retirement fund after the accident and probably will (attorney fees) loose the house. I'm 54 yrs old, drop out, no real skills and bad health. Wife hasn't worked in 20yrs and suffers from depression and between both of us probably won't be able to make enough to pay mortgage and household expenses. I don't know if I can take the pain and thought of loosing the house. My daughters spirit is here, if I can't be close to that I don't want to go on. I'm going to try to make it all work and realize my wife and daughter need me but I don't think I can take the pain or look them in the eyes. I'd be a failure to them and know they wouldn't want to leave our daughters spirit or the house. Please say a prayer for the family and me. Thank you.
11/11/2014 at 7:16 PM
Meredith
Boni your friend is lucky to have you. She is going to need you more than ever. You are right, just listening and being there whenever she needs to talk is the best thing you can do. You can also read books that give ideas how to help friends. My friends just listen and when they see I am having a bad day they don't ask what is wrong they just give me a hug to let me know they are there if needed. I also appreciate when my friends do things in her name like pay a mass at church or help with any events I have. Thank you and God bless you.
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