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Losing My Daughter

By Meredith Romero, Albuquerque, New Mexico

My name is Meredith Romero and I lost my 12-year-old daughter to suicide on May 11, 2010. She was a month away from her 13th birthday. We just went through her first year anniversary and her birthday which would have been on June 10th.  After she hung herself, she didn’t die immediately, instead a day later from complications resulting from the hanging. We later found letters she had written. They were not so much suicide letters but letters telling us she loved us. We also found out of an incident that involved a boy that may have contributed to why she did it.  We will never know if she meant to do it or if it was an accident in which she intended to scare me.

Whatever it was, she took her own life. She showed absolutely no signs of depression. If anything she made plans for the week and weekend. Words cannot express what I feel. Not only did I lose my child but I lost her to suicide and I found her. At first, I questioned myself asking why and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to prevent this since she did it right in our own home. I was full of guilt for many months going back into the past wondering if I failed her as a mother. The first thing I wondered was if the life I gave her was worth living. I was a single mother, her father had little involvement in her life, and when he was in it, he usually did not make it pleasurable.

I never in a million years thought I would be the survivor of my daughter’s suicide. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it and that I was a good mother who did the best I could. My daughter and I were very close and her loss has created such a void in my heart. I thought I knew her well but I still question that. I think the hardest part of dealing with her suicide is the “Why?” I replay that day over and over and just can’t understand what would make her decide to end her life  I know she loved me and she was a very happy child.  One of the things I can’t cope with is people judging my daughter and making her seem like a bad child. I have feelings of anger at her for doing what she did, but more than anything I feel sadness and ache for her. This has taught me that you can’t hide from suicide and it can happen to anyone. I know she is in heaven and watching out for all who loved her and miss her.


10/18/2014 at 7:25 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. A dear friend of mine is experiencing a very similar thing - you pretty much described it exactly, except she was 13 and left a rather negative note to her family. I am totally here to support her through this and would really love to hear any suggestions you may have to help me help her. It is such a tragic and painful loss and I am finding it difficult to know what I can do to be there in support. Just listening and holding space for her and helping with household things is all I can really do yeah? Is there anything that you really appreciate in your friends in your journey through this grief? I wish you so much peace and love :)
10/16/2014 at 4:57 PM
I am thankful to Meredith for managing this site. We lost our middle daughter on July 1, 2011 at age 27. She missed being an auntie for her younger sister and seeing her older sister marry. We miss her and still carry the what ifs and could haves around like heavy bricks. My heart goes out to all who have experienced suicide of a loved one. We need to talk about it, not hide from it and encourage those who are looking for a way out to talk.
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