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Attempt Survivor Articles

Because little is written about and by attempt survivors, here we highlight what has been written.


06/29/2017 at 8:12 AM
I want to die
03/27/2012 at 4:17 AM
tricia rider
I have battled depression since 1975 when I was 23 years old. At first the episodes didn't last for long, although they were bad enough I sought therapy in 1978 and again in 1979-1981. I ended up in my first mental hospital in 1988 and was there for a month. That's when I began taking antidepressants. Twenty-four years later, I have taken every antidepressant in existence, had electric shock therapy, had transcranial magnetic stimulation, and been in three more mental hospitals. The depressive episode that started in 1988 lasted until 1994 when a combination of 3 drugs kept it under control until 2003. Since 2003 I have struggled against killing myself every single minute of every day. I no longer work or have any kind of life. I don't call help lines because I have no desire to be talked out of killing myself. I made one attempt on January 2, 2011 but was unfortunately found before I died. I wasn't aware of my surroundings until about January 19, 2011, but I am very glad I don't remember being taken from the hospital in a wheelchair and handcuffs (because the nurse told my family I was a criminal)to a mental facility via a police car. It turned out I apparently took a pretty bad fall when the police let me out at the mental facility because I still couldn't walk due to all the drugs I'd ingested. Mental facility had to ambulance me to an ICU and then claimed to my family they couldn't tell them where I was because of privacy laws. You can see why I'm happy not to remember any of this. All I remember was taking the last of the 200 pills, feeling very happy for the first time in 7 years at that time and thinking that killing myself was not so hard as I'd thought it would be. I had given myself all of 2010 to live through and try to come to grips with the depression, all the while seeing professionals and relying on their useless treatments. So I thought my Jan. 2011 decision was neither impulsive nor irrational. I had no desire to live in hell any longer. Alas, I failed in my attempt, and have to admit I was furious when I did finally come to. 2011 was the year of totally giving myself over to the mental health profession. After getting out of the hospital in Jan. 2011 I did a month-long out-patient intensive daily group. Saw my therapist every week, saw my psychiatrist every week, went back in the hospital in April and again in September. USELESS. I know Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and mindfulness, and psychotherapy and Jung and Dialectic whateverthehellit'scalled and they are USELESS. Then on Feb. 1, 2012,I had 5 people call me and tell me about hearing about ketamine on a National Public Radio broadcast. All the useless mental health people I've seen in 8 years and not one mentioned any clincial trials with ketamine. So I had actually planned another suicide for Feb.2, 2012, but the NPR program was Jan. 31 and I finally thought maybe there was some hope. But I've called every clinical trial program in the U.S. to try to get in and have not been accepted into any. I'm told this is because of the huge numbers of people who have called since the NPR program. Having my hope dashed again kind of increased the pain exponentially, so three nights ago I tried to kill myself again. Twenty-three 500mg chloral hydrate capsules aren't enough to kill you even though Derek Humphrey's book, Final Exit says that it is. I am still fucking here. Next time I'll use helium and one of the helmet baggies. I hope I won't be leaving another "Attempt Survivor Article" as I think surely I can get it right the third time. Oh, in case you're wondering why I ended up on this website, I was trying to find if it was true I was a criminal--no one had told me about the incredibly kind nurse until Christmas, when my mother told me she'd never wanted to punch somebody in the mouth so bad in her life--Mom's 90. Wasn't really trying to find any hope, but thought I'd leave my tale.
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