05/31/2017 at 4:29 AM
Kerry Gardiner
My husband of 17 years (together for 25) hanged himself on 9 May 2017. I found his body and cant get the image out of my head. We have 2 children ages 14 and 11 (he died 1 week before my sons 11th birthday). Alistair was my one and only from the age of 16. I knew he was depressed and stressed at work and we were still getting over an affair he had two years before. We chose to stay together and continue to love and support each other. The two years were hard but we were at a good place financially, job wise etc but he just had so much self hate and guilt. Never thought he was good enough and a burden to all that loved him. He battled with alcohol and had been off drinking for 8 years but then he met this other woman and the drinking started as did his affair. He still continued to drink once we got back together but it was not out of control. I feel so much guilt that it is killing me. I feel guilty that I was not there for him when he really needed me that fateful morning. I feel guilty that I did not take his depression and calls for help serious enough. I really never believed he would take his own life!!! I feel guilty that my children lost their precious brilliant dad. I feel terrified and so heart sore I can barely breathe. Just over three weeks since he died. Im so lost.

09/09/2016 at 1:05 PM
THuy
Tracy, I am sorry for your loss. How do you feel after one year? "I also feel like my future is just gonna be 30-40 years of waiting on my own death so I can reunite with my love." - this is exactly what I have been feeling for the last month. My husband took his own life 29 days ago. I just don't know how to find life's meaning and purpose to move on.